"All things you ask for in prayer, you will receive if you have faith"...Matthew 21:22

Dearest Michael~

We just celebrated our second father's day without you...I can't believe that is even possible...it feels as if you are here, or you should be here and I wonder where you are.  The boys are expressing their feelings about you and not losing sight of the fact that they are who they are because of YOU.  You truly were a wonderful dad and somehow I think you continue to be so.  I hope that your spirit is watching over Matt & Joe and me, too, of course...I am thankful for all the father's days that we did have together...I am thankful for almost every day in between too...though we both know that EVERY day was not perfect...but that was one thing that was so amazing about our love...we knew it wasn't perfect and we took it one day at a time...so my love, wherever you are please know that I am grateful to you for that love and I am grateful to you for the two amazing boys/men that are a product of that love...I miss you~Forever love, Karen

O God, you made us in your own image and redeemed us through Jesus your Son: Look with compassion on the whole human family; take away the arrogance and hatred which infect our hearts; break down the walls that separate us unite us in bonds of love; and work through our struggle and confusion to accomplish your purposes on earth; that, in your good time, all nations and races may serve you in harmony around your heavenly throne; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Be strong, be strong in heart all you who hope in the Lord...Psalms 31:24

Dearest Michael~Well, here I am, a little over a year later back at this...and what a year it has been!!  I couldn't write on this blog for such a long time...there were so many things going on in my life that I couldn't find a way to sort it all out.  We had your celebration on the first anniversary of your passing, and like your visitation and funeral, there were so many things to do and so many people who wanted to celebrate YOU...I know you found that amazing because you never did think that people really cared about you like they did...at least you didn't until you got cancer...then you allowed yourself to see that others thought you were pretty darn amazing!!!  And you allowed the love in and you allowed yourself to love...what a beautiful gift that was...for YOU and for all those who loved you...who still love you...we miss you, my love...not a day goes by that I don't talk to you a million times...or remember something you said...something that brings a smile to my face and joy to my heart...I miss having you here, but I know I carry you in my heart, always...Forever love, Karen

Watch, O Lord, with those who wake,
or watch, or weep tonight,
and give your angels and saints
charge over those who sleep.


Tend your sick ones, O Lord Christ,
rest your weary ones,
bless your dying ones,
soothe your suffering ones,
pity your afflicted ones
shield your joyous ones.


And all for your love's sake.
Amen.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future...Jeremiah 29:11

Dearest Michael~

I wonder where you are tonight as I sit and think about the changes that are happening in my life...our life...

Matthew and Sarah are engaged...and you and I should be celebrating...the circle of love goes round and round...and I miss you so much, not being able to share this moment with you...and I know Matthew misses that as well...and truth be told, so does Sarah...

It seems so strange that they are on the threshold of their new lives and here we are, without you, and yet life goes on...how does that happen?

I know how much you love Sarah and I know how much you would enjoy all the things that will come with this engagement and I wonder how I will get thru each event without having you here with me...to discuss things...to talk about things...to share the joy...

This is only the beginning of life without you...I'm not sure I can do it, but I will try...I just miss you so much and I wish you were here with me...

Forever love,
Karen

From every human being there rises a light that reaches straight to heaven, and when two souls that are designed to be together find each other, their streams of light flow together and a single, brighter light goes forth from their united being.

Casting all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you...1 Peter 5:7

Dearest Michael~

I've decided I don't want to do this anymore...it is so hard to live my life and not share it with you...oh, I know you are here in spirit and in my heart, always, but I miss having you by my side and I miss your crazy sense of humor and I miss talking to you and I miss sharing things with you and I miss worrying with you and I miss the family things...I just miss you!!!

We had Easter without you and the boys were here and Sarah, and KLO and Chris, Bethany, Mylah and Steve and his girlfriend and her little boy ... and every moment I kept expecting to hear your voice...your laughter...your crazy dinner conversations and I know you would have enjoyed having those little ones at our table...

So many things happening...and you aren't here...I truly don't want to do it anymore...but I know that I will and I will honor you and all you stood for...but that doesn't mean I have to like it...

Forever love,
Karen

Cast thy burden on the Lord;
Only lean upon His word:
Thou shalt soon have cause to bless
His eternal faithfulness.
Ever in the raging storm
Thou shalt see His cheering form,
Hear His pledge of coming aid:
“It is I, be not afraid.”

Cast thy burden at His feet;
Linger at His mercy seat:
He will lead thee by the hand
Gently to the better land.
He will gird thee by His power,
In thy weary, fainting hour:
Lean, then, loving, on His word;
Cast thy burden on the Lord.
—Author unknown

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding...Proverbs 3:5

Dearest Michael~

Here I am, after a long bout of not writing on this blog...I've been keeping up with your caring bridge page, and that's about all I've been able to handle...I'm going to give that one up soon...I hate to, because in a way it will be like saying good-bye to you again, but it has almost become stressful...people expect me to be positive for them and give them the positive spin on my grieving and I can't do that anymore.

There are so many people out there that think they know what is best for me...you know the ones :) and you also know that I won't say anything to them, I will just withdraw from them a little at a time.  I am so tired of people saying crazy, weird things, or not saying anything at all...

I think I am just a bit bitter these days and I guess it's just another stage of grief...

I miss you...I miss so many things, but most of all I miss being with you and laughing with you...

Forever love,
Karen

Lord Jesus Christ, by your patience in suffering you hallowed earthly pain and gave us the example of obedience to your Father's will: Be near me in my time of weakness and pain; sustain me by your grace, that my strength and courage may not fail; heal me according to your will; and help me always to believe that what happens to me here is of little account if you hold me in eternal life, my Lord and my God. Amen.

Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart...Galatians 6:9

Dearest Michael~

Today I went up to the attic to get some summer things down to take on my trip...and I had to talk myself thru it because your stuff is boxed in with mine and every where I looked, there you were...your pink shirt that you wore in honor of Allison, and you were always so proud to say you were in touch with your feminine side...your cargo shorts that you always looked so good in and rarely wore...your "inside the fence" t-shirts, all ratty and splattered with paint or food...every where I looked there you were...but I did OK...I got thru the boxes to the few things that I needed (or could fit into is more like it) and closed up the attic...and then when I went to walk down the street I put on your green fleece and I could smell you...and I lost it...all the hard work keeping the tears at bay in the attic was all for naught as I inhaled the scent of you that is still on your fleece...the one you wore to all the treatments...the one you were most comfortable in...the one that I still wear to feel you close to me...I miss you...I miss inhaling your scent...I miss you!

Forever love,
Karen

Make me strong in spirit,
Courageous in action,
Gentle of heart,

Let me act in wisdom,
Conquer my fear and doubt,
Discover my own hidden gifts,

Meet others with compassion,
Be a source of healing energies,
And face each day with hope and joy.

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit...Romans 15:13

Dearest Michael~

Someone told me today that they thought my grief was "softer"...I'm not sure that it is, but then, each step I take is unsure, so I'm not a good judge!  I do have moments of feeling like, OK I can do this...I can live my life without Michael by my side because he is in my heart...always has been, always will be...but those moments are fleeting and then I realize living without you MEANS living without you...not seeing your smile every day, the way your eyes crinkle when its a real smile!  It means never hearing you tell me you love me...never feeling your lips against mine...never sharing laughter with you...it means going to bed alone and no one to "spoon" with...its waking up every morning without you pulling me close...its never feeling completely safe, because no matter what, I knew you would protect me...it means having no one to share the lives of our children...I don't want to do this...but I do it...because right now I do it to honor you...so that you will be proud...but I don't want to do this...softer, maybe...but still so very painful...

Forever love,
Karen

O Lord, in Whom is our hope, remove far from us, we pray Thee, empty hopes and presumptuous confidence. Make our hearts so right with Thy most holy and loving heart, that hoping in Thee we may do good; until that day when faith and hope shall be abolished by sight and possession, and love shall be all in all.