Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart...Galatians 6:9

Dearest Michael~

Today I went up to the attic to get some summer things down to take on my trip...and I had to talk myself thru it because your stuff is boxed in with mine and every where I looked, there you were...your pink shirt that you wore in honor of Allison, and you were always so proud to say you were in touch with your feminine side...your cargo shorts that you always looked so good in and rarely wore...your "inside the fence" t-shirts, all ratty and splattered with paint or food...every where I looked there you were...but I did OK...I got thru the boxes to the few things that I needed (or could fit into is more like it) and closed up the attic...and then when I went to walk down the street I put on your green fleece and I could smell you...and I lost it...all the hard work keeping the tears at bay in the attic was all for naught as I inhaled the scent of you that is still on your fleece...the one you wore to all the treatments...the one you were most comfortable in...the one that I still wear to feel you close to me...I miss you...I miss inhaling your scent...I miss you!

Forever love,
Karen

Make me strong in spirit,
Courageous in action,
Gentle of heart,

Let me act in wisdom,
Conquer my fear and doubt,
Discover my own hidden gifts,

Meet others with compassion,
Be a source of healing energies,
And face each day with hope and joy.

Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit...Romans 15:13

Dearest Michael~

Someone told me today that they thought my grief was "softer"...I'm not sure that it is, but then, each step I take is unsure, so I'm not a good judge!  I do have moments of feeling like, OK I can do this...I can live my life without Michael by my side because he is in my heart...always has been, always will be...but those moments are fleeting and then I realize living without you MEANS living without you...not seeing your smile every day, the way your eyes crinkle when its a real smile!  It means never hearing you tell me you love me...never feeling your lips against mine...never sharing laughter with you...it means going to bed alone and no one to "spoon" with...its waking up every morning without you pulling me close...its never feeling completely safe, because no matter what, I knew you would protect me...it means having no one to share the lives of our children...I don't want to do this...but I do it...because right now I do it to honor you...so that you will be proud...but I don't want to do this...softer, maybe...but still so very painful...

Forever love,
Karen

O Lord, in Whom is our hope, remove far from us, we pray Thee, empty hopes and presumptuous confidence. Make our hearts so right with Thy most holy and loving heart, that hoping in Thee we may do good; until that day when faith and hope shall be abolished by sight and possession, and love shall be all in all.

Pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you...Thessalonians 5:17

Dearest Michael~

Matt was home for a few days and it was good to have him here...he reminds me so much of you in so many ways and he was so helpful while he was here.  My heart breaks for him because he doesn't know how to grieve you...why should he have to???  He's doing all the right things, but I know his heart is breaking...and why not?  You were such a positive force in his life and now you are not here...where are you?  We miss you...life isn't complete without you...

Forever love,
Karen

O God, you made us in your own image and redeemed us through Jesus your Son: Look with compassion on the whole human family; take away the arrogance and hatred which infect our hearts; break down the walls that separate us unite us in bonds of love; and work through our struggle and confusion to accomplish your purposes on earth; that, in your good time, all nations and races may serve you in harmony around your heavenly throne; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethen, to dwell together in unity...Psalm 133:1

Dearest Michael~

You should be here~Matt is home for the week-end and he and Joseph are in the living room laughing hysterically at one of your favorite shows...your laughter should be joining with theirs...and its not.  It is times like this when its hard to believe that our wonderful family of four is now three...and it is times like these when I miss you so very much...and they miss you so very much.  I know how hard it is for Matt to come home and you are not here...I know it is the same for Joseph when he comes home from work...and me, well, I still say "honey, I'm home" when I walk thru the door...I KNOW you aren't here, it just makes me feel better...we miss your laughter, your sense of humor, your presence and we are lost without you.

Forever love,
Karen

Almighty God, Father of all mercies and giver of all comfort: Deal graciously, we pray thee, with those who mourn, that casting every care on thee, they may know the consolation of thy love, through Jesus Christ our Lord.

We have boldness and access with confidence through faith in Him...Ephesians 3:12

Dearest Michael~

Am I crazy?  I agreed to go to St. Thomas Island with Kathy and Jennifer...NEXT WEEK!! What was I thinking...in a way I was thinking like you...why should I go to a beach when I have one at the end of my street...but warm waters and white sand sound pretty good right now...I am thinking about how scary it is to go somewhere like that, without you...I don't THINK you would like it, but I'm not sure anymore...I'm thinking that I shouldn't be doing things that will bring me pleasure...so soon after you are gone...I am thinking all kinds of things, but mostly I am hoping that I go with your blessing and your protection and your love...

Forever love,
Karen

O heavenly Father, in whom we live and move and have our being: We humbly pray thee so to guide and govern us by thy Holy Spirit, that in all the cares and occupations of our life we may not forget thee, but may remember that we are ever walking in thy sight; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

As for me, I will call upon God, and the Lord shall save me. Evening and morning and at noon I will pray, and cry aloud and He shall hear my voice...Psalm 55:16

Dearest Michael~

I'm back...I thought I might let this go, again, but I am having a hard time letting go of anything at this point.  I find myself wanting to stop time so that I don't have to go any further without you...I find myself standing still and holding my breath so that I won't feel the pain that I feel not having you here with me.  I thought that things might just get easier, but all of a sudden, things are harder...I cry at the craziest things and on the way to work the tears flow, and they are so big that I can't blink them away and then all of a sudden I am a mess...before my day even begins...and you know how I hate that!  I never knew I could cry so much.  Remember the days when I couldn't cry...well, I am making up for lost tears!

I miss you...every day I miss you...

Forever love,
Karen

O Lord, I am torn up with grief.
I know you are there, but I cannot see past
my sorrow and tears.
Be with me, Lord, and do not take
my unhappiness to heart.
Rather, work within me to guide me through
these dark days
and bring your light to my life,
so that I may see your goodness, even in my mourning.