In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul...Psalm 94:19

Dearest Michael~

I remember when we talked about moving...selling the house so you wouldn't have to stress about things that you couldn't do...or worry about the things that weren't getting done and we were both ok with that...looking forward to downsizing and we kept leaning toward the condos on A Street so that we could sit on the balcony each night and watch the sun set...we talked about putting the swing there and maybe a few plants and just kicking back and enjoying what time we had...

Now you aren't here and I find myself stressing about things that I can't do and I worry about things that aren't getting done and I wonder where I am going to end up...part of me never wants to leave this house, after all, it is "us" but I know that I can take my memories with me wherever I go...I just don't know what to do...

Everyone says "don't make any major decisions for at least a year" but moving was something that you and I were beginning to seriously think about so its not as if I'm making any rash decisions when I think about whether it should be done.  Just the thought of being here alone makes me so sad and even scares me a bit...I don't like the responsibility of everything...paying the bills, worrying about the roof leaking, worrying about the basement flooding, wondering if the tree branches will fall on the jeep, trying to keep the yardwork done, and all that weeding, not to mention when the leaves start falling and the snow starts piling up...YIKES!

I wish you were here with me, but I'd be happy with some sort of sign as to what I should do...

Forever love,
Karen

The Light of God surrounds me;
The Love of God enfolds me;
The Power of God protects me;
The Presence of God watches over me;
Wherever I am, God is,
And all is well.

Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong...corinthians 16:13

Dearest Michael~

Here we are at the end of September and it feels like the middle of summer...it is a beautiful day and I'm sorry you are not here to enjoy it with me.  Every day on my way home from work the tears start to flow because I know that you will not be here when I get home.  I open the door and still say "honey, I'm home" and the silence is what I hear.  I've been spoiled for the past three years...I can count on one hand, other than hospital stays, when you weren't here when I came home from work and oh, how I miss that.  I miss climbing in to bed for a nap, if thats where you were...or going out to the swing and catching up on the day, or snuggling on the couch and watching t.v. or all those days we climbed back in the truck and went out to the gut to watch the storms roll in, or pray the rosary or just sit and enjoy the view.  I hope I savored all those moments...I think I did, though sometimes now I can't capture them in my mind...if I didn't savor them then, I certainly do now.  I would give anything to be with you right now...to feel your arms around me, your hand in mine, the peace I felt when you were by my side...

I miss you...

Forever love,
Karen

O Lord, I am torn up with grief.
I know you are there, but I cannot see past
my sorrow and tears.
Be with me, Lord, and do not take
my unhappiness to heart.
Rather, work within me to guide me through
these dark days
and bring your light to my life,
so that I may see your goodness, even in my mourning

I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live...John 11:25

Dearest Michael~

Since you've been gone I haven't been able listen to music...everything reminds me of you and it makes me sad...whether it is those country videos, or oldies, or motown or the songs on your ipod, or even Kate Bush, I just can't do it...music was such a part of our lives, whether it was cleaning house together with the music blaring...playing "name that tune" on the radio, though you ALWAYS won...slow dancing in the living room...or just breaking out in song when we heard something that reminded us of a song...and all the records that you had and how the boys were into the same music you were...I was an island out there with my country music, but you came around...I haven't been able to listen to music...until this week-end when the silence was too much for me and I turned on the t.v. and picked the christian music channel (yes, the christian music channel :) and I found myself enjoying it...at first it just filled the silence and then I realized I liked the lyrics...so I pulled out a CD that Nancy Sullivan gave me by Mercy Me and I put it in the truck and as I drove to work today and the sky was that amazing color purple, you know the one that we don't see often, and I was at the curve where I always begin to thank God for such beauty every day, the song "I can only imagine" came on and I looked at the sky and had such a vision of you...surrounded by His glory, in honor of him, you were still, and unable to speak at all because you were in awe that you were standing before Him ... and I had such a peace settle over me that you are where you are supposed to be...I miss you so very much, but I know that you are at peace and I am so very grateful for that...

Forever love,
Karen

"Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in honour of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine"

Now Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen Hebrews 11:1

Dearest Michael,

Today is a rainy, cold day in Hull and I have been thinking of you all day...it is the 3rd anniversary of your cancer diagnosis and it makes me so sad.  Sad because I remember how scared we were, yet so determined that cancer would not beat you, that you would beat cancer...and I suppose in one way you did...cancer was a gift to you...it enabled you to stop working 60-70 hours a week...it gave you the chance to slow down and listen to your body...it gave you the OK to tell people you loved them...to hug someone for no reason...to stop and smell the flowers and the ocean and to breathe deep...to jump in the jeep to go watch the sun set...to be here anytime the boys came home...to sit on the swing and not have to talk, to just hold hands and know that we were where we were meant to be...to find out that you were such a creative writer...cancer gave us almost three years of complete togetherness...learning a different kind of love, a stronger love, a love that will last for eternity...and cancer gave you your own spiritual journey to bring you closer to God...

Forever love,
Karen

Heavenly Father, May the lonely be comforted. May love abound and divisions between us cease to exist. May all beings of the earth feel safe and free of fear. May we each continue on the path towards enlightenment with gladness and diligence, in Jesus' name, Amen

Perfect love casteth out fear John 4:18

Dearest Michael,

On the eve of the third anniversary of your cancer diagnosis I will begin a blog to you, as I struggle to learn to live without you in my life.  I am not sure if I can do it...you have been such a part of my life for so very long, and now that you are not longer here, well sometimes I feel as if I can't get one foot in front of the other, that I will never really laugh again, never find the joy in the simple things in life.  My world was knocked off its axle the day you took your last breath...just two months...and I am trying...trying to honor your life...trying to make sense of it all...trying to help the boys as they too struggle with their own grief...trying to get things in order...trying to remember your laugh...the sound of your voice...the touch of your hand...I'm trying...

Forever love,
Karen

Heavenly Father,
in my present need,
help me to believe
that you are aware of my anxiety
and will do what is best for me.
Give me the strength to trust you
and put the present and future in your hands.
Grant this through Christ, our Lord. Amen