Have mercy upon me, O God, according to Your loving kindness; according to the multitude of Your tender mercies, blot out my transgressions~Psalm 51:1

Dearest Michael~

Your sister came to visit yesterday and spent the night.  I put her in our room because I didn't think she could handle sleeping in the room where she last saw you...she misses you so much and still can't comprehend that you are gone...I told her not to feel bad, I can't either.  She got a lot of things off her heart, but is still troubled...every time she mentioned "being the Walton's" I had to smile, because God knows you all wanted that, but what you got was a crazy, mixed up family, no different than anyone elses...I wish she was at peace, but it may take awhile, if ever...we had a nice day yesterday...lunch at Burton's then down to see your mother and then an evening on the couch watching t.v.

This morning Chris, Bethany and Mylah came over and oh, is she a cutie...you would love her, though I'm sure you met her before we did :)  You would be proud of Chris...he is doing a good job at being a dad...though I think he's going to need your guidance...

And Kevin and Nicole welcomed Baby Owen in to the world, after a very long labor...I can't wait to meet him, though these things make my heart heavy because I can't share any of it with you...I saw a grandpa today with his two grandsons and they were carrying pumpkins and having such a great time and all I could think of was you...it made me cry because we will never share those grandparent moments...

Oh, Michael, I miss you...

Forever love,
Karen

O Lord, I am torn up with grief.
I know you are there, but I cannot see past
my sorrow and tears.
Be with me, Lord, and do not take
my unhappiness to heart.
Rather, work within me to guide me through
these dark days
and bring your light to my life,
so that I may see your goodness, even in my mourning.

Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need...Hebrews 4:16

Dearest Michael~Today I returned from another trip to Missouri and though my original plan was to stay out there for a while, here I am, home again.  It was a good week...I saw David and though his situation troubles me, and yes, if truth be told, angers me a little, I know there is nothing I can do for him by being there...I do feel like I abandoned Kathy to handle him on her own, but I wasn't much help anyway, and she is his "Life Coach" so I think it will be OK.  My week with Kathy was filled with a little bit of everything and as always, I leave her feeling a bit stronger, a bit more hopeful and thankful for having her as my sister, my coach and my friend.  Thru the course of the week I came to realize a few things...the most important being that I am not the only one grieving you...that I have to realize that as lonely as my life is without you, other people are feeling your loss, as well...I've been so self absorbed that I haven't gotten to that yet...but I vow to work on that...you left such a void in my life, but also in the lives of so many others...I can't even begin to fathom that, so for the moment I will focus on Matthew and Joseph and try to help them grieve you...talk about you...miss you...you were an amazing dad and you took such pleasure in being a dad...I remember all the fun that we had as a family and all the fun you and Matt and Joe had from the time they could talk until the day you took your last breath...I am so grateful for you, for the husband that you were...the father that you were...we were so very blessed and I thank you for the gift of you...I miss you!

Forever love,
Karen

Make me strong in spirit,
Courageous in action,
Gentle of heart,

Let me act in wisdom,
Conquer my fear and doubt,
Discover my own hidden gifts,

Meet others with compassion,
Be a source of healing energies,
And face each day with hope and joy.

No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you... Joshua 1:5

Dearest Michael~

I missed yesterday...I missed writing on this blog, and since it is my connection to you I felt like I didn't talk to you.  As you know, I arrived safely in St. Louis for my mini retreat/healing/checking on the brother...it was a lovely flight, made more so by the song "Don't Dream its Over"...I couldn't believe when that came on my IPOD just as we were taking off...how often do I listen to the IPOD, never mind at take-off and then there it was...the words struck a new meaning and I know it was my sign from you.  It feels as if I am getting a few signs from you and I am happy for that...I miss you in Hull...I miss you here...I miss you everywhere...

Forever love,
Karen

May you trust your highest power that you are exactly where you are meant to be...
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you...
May you be content knowing you are a child of God...
Let this presence settle into our bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of you...

The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble, and He knows those who trust in Him...Nahum 1:7

Dearest Michael~

I've had such an emotional day today...Sunday, no longer Funday...packing for my trip to Missouri, cleaning out the truck for Honda to come and take it away...you know how dirty the truck is and you know me, not much gas left in it, but I left it at that...while I was cleaning out the front I found so many things that reminded me of you, especially the masks that you had to wear when you had your stem cell transplant and I remembered how you rarely complained about it and how uncomfortable it was for you...and I found one of your "masterpieces"...you know the gauze and the tape that you would take off on the way home and just leave in the truck...this one was blue, but usually you chose pink, for Allison, because if she could do it, well, so could you...I remember when you thought maybe you'd do some kind of art project with all the gauze and tape...I haven't thrown it away yet, but it did bring me to tears, so I had to leave the truck for a few minutes to go inside and cry for you and when I went back outside to clean out the trunk, there was the tiniest acorn I have ever seen, and I knew it was your sign to me, and it did bring a smile to my face, for where would I find an acorn in Hull, except from you???

Thank you for letting me know that you are here today...

Forever love,
Karen

Bless those who mourn, eternal God,
with the comfort of your love
that they may face each new day with hope
and the certainty that nothing can destroy
the good that has been given. May their memories become joyful,
their days enriched with friendship,
and their lives encircled by your love.
Amen.

Therefore do not be like them. For your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him...Matthew 6:8

Dearest Michael~

I have been a busy beaver today trying to get things in order so that I can go to Missouri on Monday and not have anything pending for me to worry about...yes, another trip...this one for David and for me, again...I'm not coping well without you...my mind is scattered, my body falling apart, I can't focus (bof us) and I'm lost without you...so I will go to Missouri...I will see David and help out any way I can and I will just "be"... spend some time in the Haake Healing House, maybe do some form of exercise every day...exercise my body, exercise my  mind...learn to just be...I don't know how to do that, but I'm willing to learn...learn so that I can be closer to you...to feel you in my heart...to be closer to God and feel Him in my heart too...

Forever love,
Karen

Heavenly Father,
in my present need,
help me to believe
that you are aware of my anxiety
and will do what is best for me.
Give me the strength to trust you
and put the present and future in your hands.
Grant this through Christ, our Lord. Amen.

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid...John 14:27

Dearest Michael~

My heart is afraid for all the unknowns that I face...how will I face each day without you in it?  How will I keep this house?  How can I help our children grieve when I don't even know how to help myself?  How can I make a life for myself after being a part of yours for so long...

I try to be brave...I try to live in the moment and actually, thats a lot easier for me...though nothing new for me...I've always lived in the moment...not wanting to look back and never looking too far ahead...and I guess I will continue to do that, for in doing so, I can miss you only in small doses.  Some moments are unbearable and then other times, so much easier than I thought.  Today I was at Hingham Shipyard and I drove by the movie theatre just so I could invision you there...I remember when we went to see that movie filmed in Hull (can't remember the name) and Bev dropped me off at the theatre to meet you and there you were, standing against the pole and it was a beautiful winter afternoon and we sat on the bench for a few minutes before we went in...I had that visual today and it made me smile...You make me smile...I love you...

Forever love,
Karen

May we discover through pain and torment,
the strength to live with grace and humor.
May we discover through doubt and anguish,
the strength to live with dignity and holiness.
May we discover through suffering and fear,
the strength to move toward healing.
May it come to pass that we be restored to health and to vigor.
May Life grant us wellness of body, spirit, and mind.
And if this cannot be so, may we find in this transformation and passage
moments of meaning, opportunities for love
and the deep and gracious calm that comes
when we allow ourselves to move on.

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest...Matthew 11:28

Dearest Michael~

I am still feeling blessed today after my meeting last night.  I miss you with every fiber of my being and I cry myself to sleep at night...but I do sleep and I'm not restless and though I wake up when Joe comes home and again between 2-3 I am not tired...my body is resting and I know you are happy about that.  I try to put lotion on my feet every night, but some nights I just can't stand to do it because I remember all those nights you would do it for me because you were so worried about me and how my body was failing me as I took care of yours...I would give anything to have you rub my feet...not just for the pure pleasure of it, but because I would feel your touch...I think that's what hurts the most right now is that I was so tired for so long that I didn't get to enjoy a lot of those moments with you...I know its ok, because of the circumstances, but it would be so nice to be in the same space as you...to rub your hands or your feet...to kiss your lips, even the upside down ones as I leaned over your recliner to kiss you...to lay down beside you and feel your heartbeat under my hand...back in the day when I could rest my head on your chest (and not kill my back) I would listen to your heartbeat and it was so strong and I thought it would beat forever...I remember those moments like they were yesterday...and I remember the last beat of your heart ...

Forever love,
Karen

Heavenly Father,
in my present need,
help me to believe
that you are aware of my anxiety
and will do what is best for me.
Give me the strength to trust you
and put the present and future in your hands.
Grant this through Christ, our Lord. Amen.

Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him and He shall bring it to pass...Psalm 37:5

Dearest Michael~

I went to my first "widows/widowers" group tonight...more like "widows" since there was only one man there, and even though I cried thru my story, as soon as I said your name the tears started, I did feel better afterwards...better because we had those three years to live together, love together...so many of the women there lost their husbands to heart attacks or similiar situations and they didn't get a chance to say good-bye...we had that and so much more and I shall always be grateful for that.  There was a quilt there in honor of all the patients that Hospice had this past year...each square had a patients name on it and then those who took care of them wrote in what they learned about the patient...and there was yours~Michael P. ~loved his family~built a home...how appropriate because you did...you loved your family and you loved your home...and we love you and we miss you.

Forever love,
Karen

Loving God,
there are times in each life
when there is no one.
No one with whom to share
a word,
a laugh,
a sad remembrance,
a gentle touch,
a fond embrace,
a kiss of love.
Bless each one who suffers
from such loneliness.
Enrich life with a friend
or gentle stranger
who will spend a moment
noticing
and loving.
In those times
your love shines through,
the world is reborn,
and Christ is known.
So be it!
Amen.

The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble...Psalm 9:9

Dearest Michael~

Today I put aside my need to think of you all day as I thought about David and all that he is going thru right now...and somehow I see you guiding him to give it up to God and to leave this world behind...we've talked about David thru the years...about his demons and how he never seemed to embrace life or embrace those who loved him...God only knows (and now you do too) what he carries in his heart...what his demons truly are...Please watch over him as he struggles with the pain in his body and in his mind...I will try to follow my heart as to what I should do for him...my heart is heavy thinking about caring for him in his final days...too raw from when I did the same for you...though you made those days so easy and as painful as it was to let you go, it was a beautiful thing...I fear with David it will not be...and though you have not been uppermost in my mind all day, you have certainly been in my heart, where you will forever be...

Forever love,
Karen

Surround me with your light, Jesus, and penetrate the very depths of my being with that light. Let there remain no areas of darkness in me or in my family members, but transform our whole being with the healing light of your love. Open me completely to receive your love, Jesus. Thank you for being our family healer and my personal healer.

Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong...1 Corinthians 16:13

Dearest Michael~

"Hey, honey, it's me"...I'm realizing now that when I check my messages at work, I hold my breath because when you were here with me, 9 times out of 10, there would be a message from you, maybe even several times a day, and it always started with "hey, honey, its me"...and I find myself thinking that you just might be on the other end...and I then I realize you won't be and for a fleeting moment I feel like I'm going to be sick and then I close my eyes and try to recapture your voice and I can't get it...I can't get a lot of things these days...the sound of your voice, our last real conversation, what our last words were to each other...what your touch felt like...what it was like to walk in to your arms and be held against that big strong chest...thirty-three years together and after 10 weeks I can't remember your voice, your scent, your touch...I miss you, Michael, I miss you so much...

Forever love,
Karen

Take, O Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding and my will; all that I have and possess. You have given them to me; to you, O Lord, I restore them. All things are yours: Dispose of them according to your will. Give me your love and your grace; for this is enough for me.

If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer...Matthew 21:22

Dearest Michael~

Another Sunday without you...I remember when Sundays were our favorite day and we couldn't figure out why people hated Sundays...now I know...they are such a lonely day...when families get together and if part of your family is missing, well it's just not the same...Joseph stayed home today to nurse his hangover so he was lounging on the couch and I was making a dessert to take to Sherry's (yes, I went there for dinner) and he had the football game on and I could almost convince myself that life hadn't changed...that you were in your recliner and I was baking and all was right with the world...how simple our needs were...just each other, and the boys, if they were around, and everything else was icing on the cake...I miss that...the feeling of contentment, knowing that on a cool night like tonight, that we would snuggle on the couch and just be...I miss you...I miss your touch...your smile...I even miss you calling me in to the living room to watch Tom Brady on replay...Another Sunday without you...

Forever love,
Karen


O Christ Jesus,
when all is darkness
and we feel our weakness and helplessness,
give us the sense of Your presence,
Your love, and Your strength.
Help us to have perfect trust
in Your protecting love
and strengthening power,
so that nothing may frighten or worry us,
for, living close to You,
we shall see Your hand,
Your purpose, Your will through all things.

A cheerful heart is a good medicine, but a downcast spirit dries up the bones...Proverbs 17:22

Dearest Michael~

Oh lordy, lord am I having a tough time without you.  Just when I think I'm handling things pretty well, bam, something reminds me of you and I'm nothing but a puddle of tears...I really didn't think I could cry so much.  I miss you every day, and almost every minute of every day...some days I wonder how I can put one foot in front of the other and then there are other days where I can get thru most of the day without too much fanfare...today has been a day that was difficult to get thru...Jennifer Donoghue's baby's Christening...it was bittersweet...Jennifer looked beautiful and her baby, Thomas, oh my, the cutest baby I've seen in a long time...most of Mike's family there, Vanessa's sisters, and of course I cried...cried because Vanessa was not by their side...cried because you weren't here either...Joseph went with me for moral support, God love him and then off he went to Greg Grey's wedding...so I went shopping and walked thru the entire Hanover Mall and Walmart and didn't buy a thing, can you believe it?  And while I was walking thru Target I got a picture text from Joseph...on the tables at the wedding were cards with the following "In lieu of favors, Amanda and Greg made a donation to the Michael F. Powers Memorial Scholarship Fund in honor of all their guests" and of course I totally lost it in the middle of the store and cried all the way home...when I could see thru the tears I texted Joe and told him to be proud and he texted back with "I am proud, but you married an amazing man who had a huge impact"...and I did, didn't I...I miss you, you amazing man...

Forever love,
Karen

Lead me from death to life,
from falsehood to truth.
Lead me from despair to hope,
from fear to trust.
Lead me from hate to love,
from war to peace.
Let peace fill my heart,
my world, my universe.
Amen.

Cast your burden on the Lord and He shall sustain you...Psalm 55:22

Dearest Michael~

I had a conversation with Kathy last night about the house and how it doesn't bring me much comfort right now and it made me sad because we built this house into a home and without you in it, well, its just not the same...

I remember the day we bought it... and after we signed the papers we went down to the beach in a near blizzard and stood on "our beach" and like every other unknown in our life we were just a little scared...I wasn't a huge fan of the house at first, but it grew on me...it grew on me because you did everything you could to make it what it is today...sometimes with teeth gritted and just "getting the job done" or other times lovingly doing the latest project...most projects we did side by side and some of my favorite memories are of strolling thru Home Depot with you...we've wallpapered and painted, and painted and painted...and you put up shelves and wall units and tongue and groove and gave me the most amazing bathroom with a soaking tub ... it seemed as if you were always trying to give me what I wanted, but you always ended up wanting the same thing and so many times your ideas were even better than mine...oh, we've had some fun...putting the wallpaper on the ceiling in the bedroom, the tiles on the wall in the kitchen, retiling the fireplace and not to mention all the outdoor projects...measure twice, cut once...certainly not your mantra for many years :)  Thank you my dear, for making our house a home...filling it with love and laughter and family times...right now I don't see that happening ever again, but I know we will laugh again...it just won't be the same...and the house isn't the same either...it's just not the same without you...I miss you and I miss you in the house and I long to hear you walk up the stairs, down the hall...I long to hear your laughter and your voice calling me in to see something on t.v.  I long for you...

Forever love,
Karen

O Christ Jesus,
when all is darkness
and we feel our weakness and helplessness,
give us the sense of Your presence,
Your love, and Your strength.
Help us to have perfect trust
in Your protecting love
and strengthening power,
so that nothing may frighten or worry us,
for, living close to You,
we shall see Your hand,
Your purpose, Your will through all things.