Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. (Psalm 42:11)

Dearest Michael~

I've cried buckets of tears for you tonight...and for me...I don't know if I can do this...we had our first snowfall today and you weren't here with me to watch it...to marvel in the beauty of it...to sit on the couch and look out the window...I had to do that myself and then I found myself hysterical because I couldn't find the scrapers for the car, because I packed them away when I cleaned out the truck and I couldn't remember what I did with them...and I cried and I cried...I cried so much my body hurts...all these crazy things that are making me hysterical...I don't know what to do about them...and I don't know why I'm getting so hysterical...I miss you so much I can't even believe it...I miss your humor, I miss your companionship...I miss having you sitting next to me while I eat...I miss our conversations while I iron my clothes...I miss your soft lips on mine...I miss your smile from across the room...I miss your rationality...I miss our television shows...I just miss you...

Forever love,
Karen

Surround me with your light, Jesus, and penetrate the very depths of my being with that light. Let there remain no areas of darkness in me or in my family members, but transform our whole being with the healing light of your love. Open me completely to receive your love, Jesus. Thank you for being our family healer and my personal healer.

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity...

Dearest Michael~

You know that I am struggling with people's reactions to your death.  I want to honor you every day and I know you live on in so many hearts...not just your family and your friends but in oh, so many lives that you have touched thru the years, and I am finding that it is the near strangers who are having an easier time talking about you, and some family members and a lot of friends who are not.  And I am having a difficult time with that because I want to hear your name spoken...I want to know that they are thinking of you...that they miss you...I want you to come alive in conversations...I don't want to dance around your name and make the situation awkward.  I know that they think they are protecting me, or maybe even themselves, but I just don't understand it and I just don't like it!

I miss you every day~some days more than others and though I am learning my way to being alone I'd give anything to have you here with me...

Forever love,
Karen

Almighty God, Father of all mercies and giver of all comfort:
Deal graciously, we pray thee, with those who mourn,
that casting every care on thee,
they may know the consolation of thy love,
through Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen

Be strong and of good courage, do not be afraid, nor dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Dearest Michael~

It has been a month since I've written.  I almost gave this up because it was becoming overwhelming for me~this, your Caringbridge site, thank you's...oh, the list goes on, but I'm glad I kept it up, because I find that I need to get back to this.  Back to you...I've missed you so much...so very much.  Many times I think this is all a bad dream and soon you will be here with me...holding me close, making me laugh, getting our lives back to normal...I can't remember what it felt like to be held against your big strong chest...I've forgotten how it feels to really laugh, and "normal"...there is no normal in my life anymore...

In the past month I've started therapy with a grief counselor, we walked in a 5k for Multiple Myeloma, Thanksgiving came and went, I've cried buckets of tears, I've had some really good conversations with Joseph, and beginning to have those conversations with Matthew.  I've gotten up every day and gone to work and some days are better than others...some days I miss you so much I can't think of anything else...other days I can think of you and smile and bask in the memories.

Forever love,
Karen

Heavenly Father,
in my present need,
help me to believe
that you are aware of my anxiety
and will do what is best for me.
Give me the strength to trust you
and put the present and future in your hands.
Grant this through Christ, our Lord. Amen