Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. (Psalm 42:11)

Dearest Michael~

I've cried buckets of tears for you tonight...and for me...I don't know if I can do this...we had our first snowfall today and you weren't here with me to watch it...to marvel in the beauty of it...to sit on the couch and look out the window...I had to do that myself and then I found myself hysterical because I couldn't find the scrapers for the car, because I packed them away when I cleaned out the truck and I couldn't remember what I did with them...and I cried and I cried...I cried so much my body hurts...all these crazy things that are making me hysterical...I don't know what to do about them...and I don't know why I'm getting so hysterical...I miss you so much I can't even believe it...I miss your humor, I miss your companionship...I miss having you sitting next to me while I eat...I miss our conversations while I iron my clothes...I miss your soft lips on mine...I miss your smile from across the room...I miss your rationality...I miss our television shows...I just miss you...

Forever love,
Karen

Surround me with your light, Jesus, and penetrate the very depths of my being with that light. Let there remain no areas of darkness in me or in my family members, but transform our whole being with the healing light of your love. Open me completely to receive your love, Jesus. Thank you for being our family healer and my personal healer.

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity...

Dearest Michael~

You know that I am struggling with people's reactions to your death.  I want to honor you every day and I know you live on in so many hearts...not just your family and your friends but in oh, so many lives that you have touched thru the years, and I am finding that it is the near strangers who are having an easier time talking about you, and some family members and a lot of friends who are not.  And I am having a difficult time with that because I want to hear your name spoken...I want to know that they are thinking of you...that they miss you...I want you to come alive in conversations...I don't want to dance around your name and make the situation awkward.  I know that they think they are protecting me, or maybe even themselves, but I just don't understand it and I just don't like it!

I miss you every day~some days more than others and though I am learning my way to being alone I'd give anything to have you here with me...

Forever love,
Karen

Almighty God, Father of all mercies and giver of all comfort:
Deal graciously, we pray thee, with those who mourn,
that casting every care on thee,
they may know the consolation of thy love,
through Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen

Be strong and of good courage, do not be afraid, nor dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Dearest Michael~

It has been a month since I've written.  I almost gave this up because it was becoming overwhelming for me~this, your Caringbridge site, thank you's...oh, the list goes on, but I'm glad I kept it up, because I find that I need to get back to this.  Back to you...I've missed you so much...so very much.  Many times I think this is all a bad dream and soon you will be here with me...holding me close, making me laugh, getting our lives back to normal...I can't remember what it felt like to be held against your big strong chest...I've forgotten how it feels to really laugh, and "normal"...there is no normal in my life anymore...

In the past month I've started therapy with a grief counselor, we walked in a 5k for Multiple Myeloma, Thanksgiving came and went, I've cried buckets of tears, I've had some really good conversations with Joseph, and beginning to have those conversations with Matthew.  I've gotten up every day and gone to work and some days are better than others...some days I miss you so much I can't think of anything else...other days I can think of you and smile and bask in the memories.

Forever love,
Karen

Heavenly Father,
in my present need,
help me to believe
that you are aware of my anxiety
and will do what is best for me.
Give me the strength to trust you
and put the present and future in your hands.
Grant this through Christ, our Lord. Amen

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you...let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid...John 14:27

Dearest Michael~

It has been a long time since I've written ... I've had a tough few weeks and some days are better than others...I missed you for Halloween and I remember all the crazy details of Halloween past...you making the costumes, painting kids faces, making all those things for the yard...Joseph crying every Halloween...taking the kids trick or treating and then the past few, when you were so sick one year, running a fever and laying on the bed on the front porch...last year when it was so warm and you were able to enjoy all the trick or treaters, from afar, since we were still paranoid about germs...how were we to know it was your last Halloween on earth...

This Halloween I wanted to turn off the lights and just wallow in self-pity, but Bethany came over with Mylah, and we had dinner and she gave out the candy and I rocked Mylah and then Joseph came home and gave out candy too, so it was ok...by the time they left I was exhausted so it was easier to fall asleep without you by my side...

I miss you so much...forever love, Karen

O God,
whose love restores
the brokenhearted of this world:
pour out your love,
we beseech you,
upon those who feel
lonely, abandoned, or unloved.
Strengthen their hope
to meet the days ahead;
give them the courage
to form life-giving friendships;
and bless them with the joy
of your eternal peace.
Amen.

Have mercy upon me, O God, according to Your loving kindness; according to the multitude of Your tender mercies, blot out my transgressions~Psalm 51:1

Dearest Michael~

Your sister came to visit yesterday and spent the night.  I put her in our room because I didn't think she could handle sleeping in the room where she last saw you...she misses you so much and still can't comprehend that you are gone...I told her not to feel bad, I can't either.  She got a lot of things off her heart, but is still troubled...every time she mentioned "being the Walton's" I had to smile, because God knows you all wanted that, but what you got was a crazy, mixed up family, no different than anyone elses...I wish she was at peace, but it may take awhile, if ever...we had a nice day yesterday...lunch at Burton's then down to see your mother and then an evening on the couch watching t.v.

This morning Chris, Bethany and Mylah came over and oh, is she a cutie...you would love her, though I'm sure you met her before we did :)  You would be proud of Chris...he is doing a good job at being a dad...though I think he's going to need your guidance...

And Kevin and Nicole welcomed Baby Owen in to the world, after a very long labor...I can't wait to meet him, though these things make my heart heavy because I can't share any of it with you...I saw a grandpa today with his two grandsons and they were carrying pumpkins and having such a great time and all I could think of was you...it made me cry because we will never share those grandparent moments...

Oh, Michael, I miss you...

Forever love,
Karen

O Lord, I am torn up with grief.
I know you are there, but I cannot see past
my sorrow and tears.
Be with me, Lord, and do not take
my unhappiness to heart.
Rather, work within me to guide me through
these dark days
and bring your light to my life,
so that I may see your goodness, even in my mourning.

Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need...Hebrews 4:16

Dearest Michael~Today I returned from another trip to Missouri and though my original plan was to stay out there for a while, here I am, home again.  It was a good week...I saw David and though his situation troubles me, and yes, if truth be told, angers me a little, I know there is nothing I can do for him by being there...I do feel like I abandoned Kathy to handle him on her own, but I wasn't much help anyway, and she is his "Life Coach" so I think it will be OK.  My week with Kathy was filled with a little bit of everything and as always, I leave her feeling a bit stronger, a bit more hopeful and thankful for having her as my sister, my coach and my friend.  Thru the course of the week I came to realize a few things...the most important being that I am not the only one grieving you...that I have to realize that as lonely as my life is without you, other people are feeling your loss, as well...I've been so self absorbed that I haven't gotten to that yet...but I vow to work on that...you left such a void in my life, but also in the lives of so many others...I can't even begin to fathom that, so for the moment I will focus on Matthew and Joseph and try to help them grieve you...talk about you...miss you...you were an amazing dad and you took such pleasure in being a dad...I remember all the fun that we had as a family and all the fun you and Matt and Joe had from the time they could talk until the day you took your last breath...I am so grateful for you, for the husband that you were...the father that you were...we were so very blessed and I thank you for the gift of you...I miss you!

Forever love,
Karen

Make me strong in spirit,
Courageous in action,
Gentle of heart,

Let me act in wisdom,
Conquer my fear and doubt,
Discover my own hidden gifts,

Meet others with compassion,
Be a source of healing energies,
And face each day with hope and joy.

No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you... Joshua 1:5

Dearest Michael~

I missed yesterday...I missed writing on this blog, and since it is my connection to you I felt like I didn't talk to you.  As you know, I arrived safely in St. Louis for my mini retreat/healing/checking on the brother...it was a lovely flight, made more so by the song "Don't Dream its Over"...I couldn't believe when that came on my IPOD just as we were taking off...how often do I listen to the IPOD, never mind at take-off and then there it was...the words struck a new meaning and I know it was my sign from you.  It feels as if I am getting a few signs from you and I am happy for that...I miss you in Hull...I miss you here...I miss you everywhere...

Forever love,
Karen

May you trust your highest power that you are exactly where you are meant to be...
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you...
May you be content knowing you are a child of God...
Let this presence settle into our bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of you...

The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble, and He knows those who trust in Him...Nahum 1:7

Dearest Michael~

I've had such an emotional day today...Sunday, no longer Funday...packing for my trip to Missouri, cleaning out the truck for Honda to come and take it away...you know how dirty the truck is and you know me, not much gas left in it, but I left it at that...while I was cleaning out the front I found so many things that reminded me of you, especially the masks that you had to wear when you had your stem cell transplant and I remembered how you rarely complained about it and how uncomfortable it was for you...and I found one of your "masterpieces"...you know the gauze and the tape that you would take off on the way home and just leave in the truck...this one was blue, but usually you chose pink, for Allison, because if she could do it, well, so could you...I remember when you thought maybe you'd do some kind of art project with all the gauze and tape...I haven't thrown it away yet, but it did bring me to tears, so I had to leave the truck for a few minutes to go inside and cry for you and when I went back outside to clean out the trunk, there was the tiniest acorn I have ever seen, and I knew it was your sign to me, and it did bring a smile to my face, for where would I find an acorn in Hull, except from you???

Thank you for letting me know that you are here today...

Forever love,
Karen

Bless those who mourn, eternal God,
with the comfort of your love
that they may face each new day with hope
and the certainty that nothing can destroy
the good that has been given. May their memories become joyful,
their days enriched with friendship,
and their lives encircled by your love.
Amen.

Therefore do not be like them. For your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him...Matthew 6:8

Dearest Michael~

I have been a busy beaver today trying to get things in order so that I can go to Missouri on Monday and not have anything pending for me to worry about...yes, another trip...this one for David and for me, again...I'm not coping well without you...my mind is scattered, my body falling apart, I can't focus (bof us) and I'm lost without you...so I will go to Missouri...I will see David and help out any way I can and I will just "be"... spend some time in the Haake Healing House, maybe do some form of exercise every day...exercise my body, exercise my  mind...learn to just be...I don't know how to do that, but I'm willing to learn...learn so that I can be closer to you...to feel you in my heart...to be closer to God and feel Him in my heart too...

Forever love,
Karen

Heavenly Father,
in my present need,
help me to believe
that you are aware of my anxiety
and will do what is best for me.
Give me the strength to trust you
and put the present and future in your hands.
Grant this through Christ, our Lord. Amen.

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid...John 14:27

Dearest Michael~

My heart is afraid for all the unknowns that I face...how will I face each day without you in it?  How will I keep this house?  How can I help our children grieve when I don't even know how to help myself?  How can I make a life for myself after being a part of yours for so long...

I try to be brave...I try to live in the moment and actually, thats a lot easier for me...though nothing new for me...I've always lived in the moment...not wanting to look back and never looking too far ahead...and I guess I will continue to do that, for in doing so, I can miss you only in small doses.  Some moments are unbearable and then other times, so much easier than I thought.  Today I was at Hingham Shipyard and I drove by the movie theatre just so I could invision you there...I remember when we went to see that movie filmed in Hull (can't remember the name) and Bev dropped me off at the theatre to meet you and there you were, standing against the pole and it was a beautiful winter afternoon and we sat on the bench for a few minutes before we went in...I had that visual today and it made me smile...You make me smile...I love you...

Forever love,
Karen

May we discover through pain and torment,
the strength to live with grace and humor.
May we discover through doubt and anguish,
the strength to live with dignity and holiness.
May we discover through suffering and fear,
the strength to move toward healing.
May it come to pass that we be restored to health and to vigor.
May Life grant us wellness of body, spirit, and mind.
And if this cannot be so, may we find in this transformation and passage
moments of meaning, opportunities for love
and the deep and gracious calm that comes
when we allow ourselves to move on.

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest...Matthew 11:28

Dearest Michael~

I am still feeling blessed today after my meeting last night.  I miss you with every fiber of my being and I cry myself to sleep at night...but I do sleep and I'm not restless and though I wake up when Joe comes home and again between 2-3 I am not tired...my body is resting and I know you are happy about that.  I try to put lotion on my feet every night, but some nights I just can't stand to do it because I remember all those nights you would do it for me because you were so worried about me and how my body was failing me as I took care of yours...I would give anything to have you rub my feet...not just for the pure pleasure of it, but because I would feel your touch...I think that's what hurts the most right now is that I was so tired for so long that I didn't get to enjoy a lot of those moments with you...I know its ok, because of the circumstances, but it would be so nice to be in the same space as you...to rub your hands or your feet...to kiss your lips, even the upside down ones as I leaned over your recliner to kiss you...to lay down beside you and feel your heartbeat under my hand...back in the day when I could rest my head on your chest (and not kill my back) I would listen to your heartbeat and it was so strong and I thought it would beat forever...I remember those moments like they were yesterday...and I remember the last beat of your heart ...

Forever love,
Karen

Heavenly Father,
in my present need,
help me to believe
that you are aware of my anxiety
and will do what is best for me.
Give me the strength to trust you
and put the present and future in your hands.
Grant this through Christ, our Lord. Amen.

Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him and He shall bring it to pass...Psalm 37:5

Dearest Michael~

I went to my first "widows/widowers" group tonight...more like "widows" since there was only one man there, and even though I cried thru my story, as soon as I said your name the tears started, I did feel better afterwards...better because we had those three years to live together, love together...so many of the women there lost their husbands to heart attacks or similiar situations and they didn't get a chance to say good-bye...we had that and so much more and I shall always be grateful for that.  There was a quilt there in honor of all the patients that Hospice had this past year...each square had a patients name on it and then those who took care of them wrote in what they learned about the patient...and there was yours~Michael P. ~loved his family~built a home...how appropriate because you did...you loved your family and you loved your home...and we love you and we miss you.

Forever love,
Karen

Loving God,
there are times in each life
when there is no one.
No one with whom to share
a word,
a laugh,
a sad remembrance,
a gentle touch,
a fond embrace,
a kiss of love.
Bless each one who suffers
from such loneliness.
Enrich life with a friend
or gentle stranger
who will spend a moment
noticing
and loving.
In those times
your love shines through,
the world is reborn,
and Christ is known.
So be it!
Amen.

The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble...Psalm 9:9

Dearest Michael~

Today I put aside my need to think of you all day as I thought about David and all that he is going thru right now...and somehow I see you guiding him to give it up to God and to leave this world behind...we've talked about David thru the years...about his demons and how he never seemed to embrace life or embrace those who loved him...God only knows (and now you do too) what he carries in his heart...what his demons truly are...Please watch over him as he struggles with the pain in his body and in his mind...I will try to follow my heart as to what I should do for him...my heart is heavy thinking about caring for him in his final days...too raw from when I did the same for you...though you made those days so easy and as painful as it was to let you go, it was a beautiful thing...I fear with David it will not be...and though you have not been uppermost in my mind all day, you have certainly been in my heart, where you will forever be...

Forever love,
Karen

Surround me with your light, Jesus, and penetrate the very depths of my being with that light. Let there remain no areas of darkness in me or in my family members, but transform our whole being with the healing light of your love. Open me completely to receive your love, Jesus. Thank you for being our family healer and my personal healer.

Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong...1 Corinthians 16:13

Dearest Michael~

"Hey, honey, it's me"...I'm realizing now that when I check my messages at work, I hold my breath because when you were here with me, 9 times out of 10, there would be a message from you, maybe even several times a day, and it always started with "hey, honey, its me"...and I find myself thinking that you just might be on the other end...and I then I realize you won't be and for a fleeting moment I feel like I'm going to be sick and then I close my eyes and try to recapture your voice and I can't get it...I can't get a lot of things these days...the sound of your voice, our last real conversation, what our last words were to each other...what your touch felt like...what it was like to walk in to your arms and be held against that big strong chest...thirty-three years together and after 10 weeks I can't remember your voice, your scent, your touch...I miss you, Michael, I miss you so much...

Forever love,
Karen

Take, O Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding and my will; all that I have and possess. You have given them to me; to you, O Lord, I restore them. All things are yours: Dispose of them according to your will. Give me your love and your grace; for this is enough for me.

If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer...Matthew 21:22

Dearest Michael~

Another Sunday without you...I remember when Sundays were our favorite day and we couldn't figure out why people hated Sundays...now I know...they are such a lonely day...when families get together and if part of your family is missing, well it's just not the same...Joseph stayed home today to nurse his hangover so he was lounging on the couch and I was making a dessert to take to Sherry's (yes, I went there for dinner) and he had the football game on and I could almost convince myself that life hadn't changed...that you were in your recliner and I was baking and all was right with the world...how simple our needs were...just each other, and the boys, if they were around, and everything else was icing on the cake...I miss that...the feeling of contentment, knowing that on a cool night like tonight, that we would snuggle on the couch and just be...I miss you...I miss your touch...your smile...I even miss you calling me in to the living room to watch Tom Brady on replay...Another Sunday without you...

Forever love,
Karen


O Christ Jesus,
when all is darkness
and we feel our weakness and helplessness,
give us the sense of Your presence,
Your love, and Your strength.
Help us to have perfect trust
in Your protecting love
and strengthening power,
so that nothing may frighten or worry us,
for, living close to You,
we shall see Your hand,
Your purpose, Your will through all things.

A cheerful heart is a good medicine, but a downcast spirit dries up the bones...Proverbs 17:22

Dearest Michael~

Oh lordy, lord am I having a tough time without you.  Just when I think I'm handling things pretty well, bam, something reminds me of you and I'm nothing but a puddle of tears...I really didn't think I could cry so much.  I miss you every day, and almost every minute of every day...some days I wonder how I can put one foot in front of the other and then there are other days where I can get thru most of the day without too much fanfare...today has been a day that was difficult to get thru...Jennifer Donoghue's baby's Christening...it was bittersweet...Jennifer looked beautiful and her baby, Thomas, oh my, the cutest baby I've seen in a long time...most of Mike's family there, Vanessa's sisters, and of course I cried...cried because Vanessa was not by their side...cried because you weren't here either...Joseph went with me for moral support, God love him and then off he went to Greg Grey's wedding...so I went shopping and walked thru the entire Hanover Mall and Walmart and didn't buy a thing, can you believe it?  And while I was walking thru Target I got a picture text from Joseph...on the tables at the wedding were cards with the following "In lieu of favors, Amanda and Greg made a donation to the Michael F. Powers Memorial Scholarship Fund in honor of all their guests" and of course I totally lost it in the middle of the store and cried all the way home...when I could see thru the tears I texted Joe and told him to be proud and he texted back with "I am proud, but you married an amazing man who had a huge impact"...and I did, didn't I...I miss you, you amazing man...

Forever love,
Karen

Lead me from death to life,
from falsehood to truth.
Lead me from despair to hope,
from fear to trust.
Lead me from hate to love,
from war to peace.
Let peace fill my heart,
my world, my universe.
Amen.

Cast your burden on the Lord and He shall sustain you...Psalm 55:22

Dearest Michael~

I had a conversation with Kathy last night about the house and how it doesn't bring me much comfort right now and it made me sad because we built this house into a home and without you in it, well, its just not the same...

I remember the day we bought it... and after we signed the papers we went down to the beach in a near blizzard and stood on "our beach" and like every other unknown in our life we were just a little scared...I wasn't a huge fan of the house at first, but it grew on me...it grew on me because you did everything you could to make it what it is today...sometimes with teeth gritted and just "getting the job done" or other times lovingly doing the latest project...most projects we did side by side and some of my favorite memories are of strolling thru Home Depot with you...we've wallpapered and painted, and painted and painted...and you put up shelves and wall units and tongue and groove and gave me the most amazing bathroom with a soaking tub ... it seemed as if you were always trying to give me what I wanted, but you always ended up wanting the same thing and so many times your ideas were even better than mine...oh, we've had some fun...putting the wallpaper on the ceiling in the bedroom, the tiles on the wall in the kitchen, retiling the fireplace and not to mention all the outdoor projects...measure twice, cut once...certainly not your mantra for many years :)  Thank you my dear, for making our house a home...filling it with love and laughter and family times...right now I don't see that happening ever again, but I know we will laugh again...it just won't be the same...and the house isn't the same either...it's just not the same without you...I miss you and I miss you in the house and I long to hear you walk up the stairs, down the hall...I long to hear your laughter and your voice calling me in to see something on t.v.  I long for you...

Forever love,
Karen

O Christ Jesus,
when all is darkness
and we feel our weakness and helplessness,
give us the sense of Your presence,
Your love, and Your strength.
Help us to have perfect trust
in Your protecting love
and strengthening power,
so that nothing may frighten or worry us,
for, living close to You,
we shall see Your hand,
Your purpose, Your will through all things.

In the multitude of my anxieties within me, Your comforts delight my soul...Psalm 94:19

Dearest Michael~

I remember when we talked about moving...selling the house so you wouldn't have to stress about things that you couldn't do...or worry about the things that weren't getting done and we were both ok with that...looking forward to downsizing and we kept leaning toward the condos on A Street so that we could sit on the balcony each night and watch the sun set...we talked about putting the swing there and maybe a few plants and just kicking back and enjoying what time we had...

Now you aren't here and I find myself stressing about things that I can't do and I worry about things that aren't getting done and I wonder where I am going to end up...part of me never wants to leave this house, after all, it is "us" but I know that I can take my memories with me wherever I go...I just don't know what to do...

Everyone says "don't make any major decisions for at least a year" but moving was something that you and I were beginning to seriously think about so its not as if I'm making any rash decisions when I think about whether it should be done.  Just the thought of being here alone makes me so sad and even scares me a bit...I don't like the responsibility of everything...paying the bills, worrying about the roof leaking, worrying about the basement flooding, wondering if the tree branches will fall on the jeep, trying to keep the yardwork done, and all that weeding, not to mention when the leaves start falling and the snow starts piling up...YIKES!

I wish you were here with me, but I'd be happy with some sort of sign as to what I should do...

Forever love,
Karen

The Light of God surrounds me;
The Love of God enfolds me;
The Power of God protects me;
The Presence of God watches over me;
Wherever I am, God is,
And all is well.

Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong...corinthians 16:13

Dearest Michael~

Here we are at the end of September and it feels like the middle of summer...it is a beautiful day and I'm sorry you are not here to enjoy it with me.  Every day on my way home from work the tears start to flow because I know that you will not be here when I get home.  I open the door and still say "honey, I'm home" and the silence is what I hear.  I've been spoiled for the past three years...I can count on one hand, other than hospital stays, when you weren't here when I came home from work and oh, how I miss that.  I miss climbing in to bed for a nap, if thats where you were...or going out to the swing and catching up on the day, or snuggling on the couch and watching t.v. or all those days we climbed back in the truck and went out to the gut to watch the storms roll in, or pray the rosary or just sit and enjoy the view.  I hope I savored all those moments...I think I did, though sometimes now I can't capture them in my mind...if I didn't savor them then, I certainly do now.  I would give anything to be with you right now...to feel your arms around me, your hand in mine, the peace I felt when you were by my side...

I miss you...

Forever love,
Karen

O Lord, I am torn up with grief.
I know you are there, but I cannot see past
my sorrow and tears.
Be with me, Lord, and do not take
my unhappiness to heart.
Rather, work within me to guide me through
these dark days
and bring your light to my life,
so that I may see your goodness, even in my mourning

I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live...John 11:25

Dearest Michael~

Since you've been gone I haven't been able listen to music...everything reminds me of you and it makes me sad...whether it is those country videos, or oldies, or motown or the songs on your ipod, or even Kate Bush, I just can't do it...music was such a part of our lives, whether it was cleaning house together with the music blaring...playing "name that tune" on the radio, though you ALWAYS won...slow dancing in the living room...or just breaking out in song when we heard something that reminded us of a song...and all the records that you had and how the boys were into the same music you were...I was an island out there with my country music, but you came around...I haven't been able to listen to music...until this week-end when the silence was too much for me and I turned on the t.v. and picked the christian music channel (yes, the christian music channel :) and I found myself enjoying it...at first it just filled the silence and then I realized I liked the lyrics...so I pulled out a CD that Nancy Sullivan gave me by Mercy Me and I put it in the truck and as I drove to work today and the sky was that amazing color purple, you know the one that we don't see often, and I was at the curve where I always begin to thank God for such beauty every day, the song "I can only imagine" came on and I looked at the sky and had such a vision of you...surrounded by His glory, in honor of him, you were still, and unable to speak at all because you were in awe that you were standing before Him ... and I had such a peace settle over me that you are where you are supposed to be...I miss you so very much, but I know that you are at peace and I am so very grateful for that...

Forever love,
Karen

"Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in honour of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine"

Now Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen Hebrews 11:1

Dearest Michael,

Today is a rainy, cold day in Hull and I have been thinking of you all day...it is the 3rd anniversary of your cancer diagnosis and it makes me so sad.  Sad because I remember how scared we were, yet so determined that cancer would not beat you, that you would beat cancer...and I suppose in one way you did...cancer was a gift to you...it enabled you to stop working 60-70 hours a week...it gave you the chance to slow down and listen to your body...it gave you the OK to tell people you loved them...to hug someone for no reason...to stop and smell the flowers and the ocean and to breathe deep...to jump in the jeep to go watch the sun set...to be here anytime the boys came home...to sit on the swing and not have to talk, to just hold hands and know that we were where we were meant to be...to find out that you were such a creative writer...cancer gave us almost three years of complete togetherness...learning a different kind of love, a stronger love, a love that will last for eternity...and cancer gave you your own spiritual journey to bring you closer to God...

Forever love,
Karen

Heavenly Father, May the lonely be comforted. May love abound and divisions between us cease to exist. May all beings of the earth feel safe and free of fear. May we each continue on the path towards enlightenment with gladness and diligence, in Jesus' name, Amen

Perfect love casteth out fear John 4:18

Dearest Michael,

On the eve of the third anniversary of your cancer diagnosis I will begin a blog to you, as I struggle to learn to live without you in my life.  I am not sure if I can do it...you have been such a part of my life for so very long, and now that you are not longer here, well sometimes I feel as if I can't get one foot in front of the other, that I will never really laugh again, never find the joy in the simple things in life.  My world was knocked off its axle the day you took your last breath...just two months...and I am trying...trying to honor your life...trying to make sense of it all...trying to help the boys as they too struggle with their own grief...trying to get things in order...trying to remember your laugh...the sound of your voice...the touch of your hand...I'm trying...

Forever love,
Karen

Heavenly Father,
in my present need,
help me to believe
that you are aware of my anxiety
and will do what is best for me.
Give me the strength to trust you
and put the present and future in your hands.
Grant this through Christ, our Lord. Amen